The Beginning Of A Journey

Oh, the strange paths that we walk through life!  This particular path started some 25+ years ago.  After the birth of our youngest, my wife seemed to lose interest in having sex.  I was OK with that for a number of months, but it soon became apparent that this was not just a post-natal thing, but a permanent change in her wants and needs.  Having been accustomed to intercourse three to five times a week, I felt the need for release elsewhere.  I really loved my wife and (still do!) did not want to run around on her, so I turned to what is now known as PMO.  (porn, masturbation & orgasm)  Before I knew it, I was accessing porn and spanking my monkey on a daily (sometimes multiple times) basis.  The frequency has slowed somewhat now that I am in my 60’s, but it is still three or more times per week.

Life went on.  I soon became accustomed to having intercourse with my wife once a month or so.  I also became accustomed to having masturbation to porn as my main source of sexual activity.  The level of my sexual activity did not change much, the change was in the focus.  In fact, my activity actually increased for a number of years.  In retrospect, it probably did so due to PMO being so much easier than actual intercourse.  I had only me and my feelings to consider.  I could go as fast or as slow as I wanted, and the people on the screen were obviously there for my pleasure only, or so the fantasies led me to believe.

So life was still good, or so I thought.  But, as time went on, I found that I did not get as hard, or did not stay as hard during my sexual trysts with the people on the screen.  It seemed like ordinary sex did not get me as excited as it did previously, and I found myself being attracted to increasingly bizarre forms of internet sexual activity.

At first I didn’t think twice about needing increasing visual stimulation to get and stay hard.  The rare occasions in which I had actual physical intercourse with my wife were still mostly OK.  The times that I couldn’t reach orgasm due to losing my erection could be chalked up to lack of sleep, or too much food or alcohol.  It wasn’t until I found myself thinking, “This is too much work!”, or “jacking off would be so much easier”, that I started to realize that I had a problem.  The worst part was that my wife was starting to come out of her asexuality and was showing signs of interest in picking up the pace of our sex life!

I went off to the doctor to have myself checked out.  The plumbing was all in good order, with the exception of some BPH (benign prosatic hyperplasia).  I asked for some Cialis and got a prescription.  We used it for awhile, but it required advance planning and our mutual sex life lost what little spontaneity it once had.  Eventually we simply stopped using it, and settled for having rare and unsatisfying sexual encounters for a few years.

Recently, I discovered websites that discussed the links between porn usage and ED.  What an eye-opener!  Finding multiple sites making the same link lent a certain credence to what they were saying.  Finding that the scenarios described matched my own experience also lent credence to the concept.

So now, I am about to embark upon a journey.  Not a journey in geographical space, but a journey through my own existential space.  A journey from a place of internet porn and porn induced erectile dysfunction, to a place, hopefully, that has firm, long lasting erections and satisfying sex for both of us during our senior years.  Kicking this addiction will most likely be rather difficult.  A habit of decades can be hard to break!

In the future, I’ll be writing more about my encounters along my journey to sexual health.

That’s all for now!

SC

 

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2 comments

  1. Thanks for your post and honesty. I’m a married husband and father in my thirties battling porn addiction, so I know where you’re coming from. My sex life is generally quite good but porn introduces mental and emotional barriers that will only erode things if allowed to continue. The battle continues…

    1. You are absolutely right about the barriers that come up with watching porn. For a number of years our sex life was good too, but the ED crept in slowly.

      I have been mostly porn free since starting down this road. (I have fallen off the wagon once or twice.) I will be posting again soon about the results. There is hope!

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